Dont Lick The Ferrets

Educating About The Word Retard

Jan 262012

MommyOf2 left a comment on this post that I wanted to address. Typically, I respond to comments in the comments section, but I think this question deserves its own post! For every parent who steps up and asks a question, there are countless more who sit back and wonder about the same thing.

MommyOf2 said:

I have a question for you, one that I am addressing in my home and want to do it the correct way. I have a 10 year old daugther who has said, several times over the past month “Retard”.. I don’t like the word no more then I like the “Nigger” or “Stupid” and many others. When I was younger in the 80′s Stupid and Retard where often spoken as what I would call a “Smart Allic Remark”.. now that I am older.. I just don’t like it.. I hear many parents who have children with DS and I know that at one point throughout there lives they have spoke the word Retard and I understand that now they are living with a child that has a disability they advocate even harder..so with that being said, I would hate for a parent to say something to my child for saying this word or bashing me for whatever reason.. Because I would not be nice in my response as to just because they have seen the light doesn’t give them right to call someone else out.. because I am sure throughout there days of saying this word no one called them out.. What I am trying to get at is how can I approach this subject with my daughter but also make her realize that because there are children that are different doesn’t mean they are retarded. Help.

I am far from an expert on anything, but I am quite good at coming up with some suggestions for how to go about handling just about anything. Now, every child is different (whether they are considered “typical” or not). What will work or affect one, won’t even register with another. Hopefully, ONE of these suggestions will help you!

My understanding is you are looking for a way to help your daughter understand there are people with different abilities and this doesn’t mean they should be referred to as “retarded”. You’re looking for a way to educate her about the word “retard” so YOU are the one handling the situation and not someone who overhears her using the word.

Having a teenager in the house, I completely get where you’re coming from! However, unlike the situation with my son, you don’t have a sibling to point to and say, “Do you realize how much that word HURTS your brother or sister?”

I would handle it the same way I would handle any other undesirable word.

Your first step is a basic conversation about differences. Explain that some people have more challenges in life than others and we can’t always see what those challenges may be. Tell her about Down syndrome. Tell her about Cerebral Palsy. Tell her about diabetes. Tell her about Autism.

Use Google’s Image feature to pull up photos of people who have different diagnoses. Type in children with “Down syndrome” and children with “cerebral palsy” and children with diabetes and children with Autism. Type in children with glasses or children with freckles.

Discuss with her how those children are LIKE her and how they’re DIFFERENT than her.

Explain to her that some people need to use a wheelchair to get around. This is something you CAN see. Some people need extra help learning to do things. This is something you CAN’T see. You can never tell by looking at someone what their difference may be. Ask her what she thinks makes her different from everyone else.

Then, tell her certain people used to be called “retards”, but that word hurts peoples’ feelings and makes them feel uncomfortable. Obviously, you’re daughter is going to want to know WHY it’s a hurtful word. So, you educate her, but let her do the footwork! Here are some ideas for a child her age.

1.) Do a “web” report.

I’m sure your daughter is very familiar with book reports and computers. Sit her down and direct her to “The R-Word: Spread the Word to End the Word” website. Ask her to watch some of the videos presented there, read what other people have to say on the subject and ask her to consider taking the pledge to not use the word “retard”.

Ask her to give you a report, either written or orally, about what she learned on the site. Answer any questions she has (or help her find them) and have an open conversation with her about it.

2.) Find a substitution.

Have your daughter look up the word “retard” in the dictionary. Discuss with her what it means and why it may hurt someone’s feelings. Then, have her come up with a list of words she could use instead of using the word “retard.” Who knows, maybe one of the words she comes up with will become her school’s new word of choice (just make sure it’s not one that could offend in some other way!)

3.) Consider how words affect others.

When my son was young, he hated to be called a “dork”. To me, it was a harmless little word, but it really hurt his feelings. I didn’t find the word offensive and it never bothered ME to be referred to as a “dork”, but I stopped using the word because of how HE felt about it.

Ask your daughter if she can come up with similar words that may not hurt HER feelings, but may hurt someone else. (Freckle face, four-eyes, carrot top, etc.)

Your goal is to get her to understand that just because a word may not be hurtful to one person, doesn’t mean it isn’t hurtful to someone else. The word “retard” is one of those words. It may not hurt HER feelings, but it could very easily hurt someone else’s.

3.) Make it all about her!

Ask your daughter to recall a time when her feelings were hurt because of something someone said to her or about her. Ask her what they said, how it made her feel and what that person could have said to her instead.

Ask her to recall a time when she may have said something that hurt someone’s feelings. Ask her how it felt to know she had hurt someone (whether intentional or not) because of the word she chose to use.

4.) Team up together!

I have to admit, I have used the word “retard” in the past. As a child, the word “re-re” was often used in our family. One day, my son said the word “retard” and gave me that, “Uh oh!” look and apologized. I commended him for apologizing and explained that there was once a time when I used the word as well. He was more than a little surprised and we talked about how it was used in his school, by his friends, etc.

I know he feels hesitant to speak out when he hears other kids use the word (peer pressure!) but I told him he can take a stand without calling the other kids out. Simply use other words. By not using the word “retard” he’s setting an example by not saying a word (literally.)

Whether you use the word or not, tell your daughter you will pledge to not use the word if she does.

5.) Be creative.

Have your daughter come up with a story about someone who used the word “retard” and hurt someone’s feelings. Have her include what could be done to make the hurt person feel better and explain why the person who used the word shouldn’t do so.

Depending on what type of thing your daughter is into, have her write a story (complete with illustrations), write a play (and recruit some friends to have her act it out) or write a song/poem.

I hope something here sounds like something that would benefit your daughter!

I’d love to hear some suggestions from other parents in regards to this topic! Please feel free to leave your idea in the comments!

Disability is a matter of perception. If you can do just one thing well, you’re needed by someone.
-Martina Navratilova

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Today Is A Bad Mommy Day

1-2 Years, Being Mom, Cheeks 6 Responses »

Jan 252012

Today is a seriously bad mommy day!

Let me preface this by saying my child is the slowest teether known to exist. From the moment we can see where a spot is getting red and inflamed, it takes about ten point five years for an actual tooth to break through. I’m serious.

Currently, she is preparing to break four million teeth at once. Ok, so maybe it’s just four, but it FEELS like four million. Therefore, she’s in rare “lookout world” form to begin with.

She’s also a climber. In the time it takes me to open the washing machine door and grab a wet load of clothes, she has already opened the (front loading) door to the dryer and climbed inside. Needless to say, the laundry room door is always kept closed.

She HAS TO BE buckled into her highchair or she WILL attempt to crawl out.

The chairs MUST BE pushed in around the table or she will climb onto them and pull herself onto the top of the table.

Toilet lids must be kept closed.

Pet food and water dishes must be kept out of her reach.

And yes, I have resorted to duct taping the pantry doors closed so she doesn’t constantly pull anything and everything she can off the shelves when given two seconds of time.

She’s a toddler. She’s busy. She’s inquisitive. She likes to challenge me.

Today is no exception.

This morning I let the dog out and went to swap out the laundry. Per usual, Cheeks stood by the door, repeatedly calling the dog’s name. On my way back to let the dog in, I realized immediately that Cheeks was gone.

Yes.

Gone.

She was nowhere to be found.

I looked in the house. No Cheeks.

I think my heart actually stopped beating.

I looked in the garage (the dog goes out through the garage to the poop pen/area in the backyard.) No Cheeks.

I think I actually stopped breathing, at this point.

Going against my “there’s no way she actually went THROUGH the garage to the dog pen” voice of reason, I ran through the garage and found her.

In the dog pen.

Wearing only a onesie and socks.

In the doorway between the garage and the backyard.

Standing in the snow.

Laughing.

I scooped her up and brought her inside. When I put her down, she ran to the door and OPENED IT BY HERSELF and tried to walk out. She’s finally tall enough (and strong enough) to actually open the door. Needless to say, it’s now locked at all times.

I distracted her desire to go back outside with lunch.

Once lunch was over, I took her to the back of the house to put her little buddy to bed. She followed me into the room, as usual, and I began to change little buddy’s diaper and put him into his crib.

Cheeks left the room. I closed the door against little buddy’s protests and made a pit stop to go potty. I washed my hands and walked down the hallway, through the family room and into the kitchen.

Do you want to guess where my child was?

She had climbed INSIDE the highchair and was finishing up the food her little buddy had left behind.

Now, in order to do this, she had to pull out the kitchen chair, climb on top of the kitchen table and then climb into the highchair.

I think I gained twelve more gray hairs in half a second flat!

This kid is fast. She’s calculated.

There’s just one thing I can’t figure out, would duct tape or velcro work better at keeping her permanently attached to me?!?!

I love this stage! It keeps me on my toes and gives me a great deal to laugh about!

I swear she thinks up ways to challenge me in her sleep!

A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother.
-Mark Twain

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Take Your Toddler To A Movie

Cheeks 2 Responses »

Jan 252012

Last night we took Cheeks to see a movie. Being fourteen months old, we didn’t expect much. We typically take the kids to the movies around her nap time, but we wanted to see how she’d do. Besides, it was a Monday night and it was a kids’ movie.

When we got there, the theater was completely empty. We let Cheeks pick our seats and we settled in.

She sat nicely on her booster seat.

She happily ate her popcorn.

She was engrossed with the action on the screen.

This all lasted about three minutes.

She spent the remainder of the time running up and down the aisles and between the rows of seats!

She was just tall enough that her pony tail enabled us to follow her path. Every now and then she’d come over and nurse for a bit, get some popcorn and try to beg off a sip of soda.

At one point, she was crawling from seat to seat and climbing over the back of the chairs.

We probably should have stopped her.

We really could have encouraged her to sit still and pay more attention to the movie.

But we didn’t.

We sat back, kicked up our feet and watched the movie. We let her run. We watched her climb. We allowed her to play.

After all, the theater was empty and she was having so much fun.

But next time? I think we’ll go back to nap-time movie trips! At least until she’s a bit older!

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
-Mark Twain

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I Have A Voice, You Have A Choice

Blogging 8 Responses »

Jan 242012

For those of you who have taken the time to keep up with the comment-fest on this blog post, let me address a few things here.

This is my personal blog. This is not a platform for Down syndrome advocacy, nor do I promote it as such.

I am opinionated. I don’t hide my opinion behind an anonymous email address, name or persona. What you see is what you get. Period. If I am going to share my opinion about something, I’m going to take accountability for it and own it.

I am entitled to my opinion. I have a voice and this is my platform for that voice. You have a choice. If you don’t want to read what I have to say, then don’t visit my blog. If you do choose to visit my blog and don’t agree with me, please feel free to speak up. I do not delete comments. I don’t censor my blog. Everyone is free to voice their opinion. I’m sure there are circumstances in which I would feel it appropriate to remove someone’s comment, but I can’t think of any off the top of my head.

Whether you’re referring to my opinion on Noah’s Dad, other bloggers or the book, “I Live With Peter Pan”; I have never attacked anyone, name called or made it personal.

I simply stated my opinion.

As a matter of fact, in one of those posts, I stated:

That doesn’t mean I don’t care for them as people. I don’t know them. It doesn’t mean I don’t respect their experience with Down syndrome. I’m not raising their child.

Just as I am entitled to my opinion, people are entitled to not agree with it. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me. I don’t expect everyone to like me. I have friends who love Kelle’s blog. While I admire her photography skills, I don’t care for her writing.

I may not always agree with those people in my circle, but we don’t hold our individual opinions against one another.

The world is full of opposing opinions and different viewpoints. How boring and pointless would it be if we all agreed with one another? The challenge, for some, comes in showing respect for those we don’t agree with. The manner in which someone chooses to not agree with me says a lot about THEM as a person. When someone chooses to bash someone else, they say more about them self than they do about me.

When my son was small and someone hurt his feelings, I would often remind him to consider the source. There are always going to be people who don’t agree with you. There are always going to be people who react emotionally, as opposed to logically. There are always going to be people who feel the need to lash out and attempt to cause pain instead of engaging in level-headed conversations. You have to consider the source and then evaluate how important this person’s opinion is to you.

Apparently, someone was really hurt by my opinion of something close to them and has chosen to lash out and personally attack me. I am sorry you got your feelings hurt. I truly am. My opinion obviously means a great deal to you and maybe I should have been a bit more gentle in my approach.

This is my platform to speak my opinion. You have a choice to read it, or to go elsewhere. I’m sure you could find something more constructive to do with your time than to leave nasty messages on my little corner of the world. And the next time you want to “anonymously” trash me, you may want to be more careful about the information you leave behind.

The kind of man who always thinks that he is right, that his opinions, his pronouncements, are the final word, when once exposed shows nothing there. But a wise man has much to learn without a loss of dignity.
-Sophocles

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Noah’s Dad, Rick Smith, Whatever

Advocacy, Blogging, Down Syndrome 44 Responses »

Jan 232012

Ok, so I touched on some issues among the Down syndrome community in my previous post. There is quite a bit of chatter regarding this particular blog, the means the blogger has used to call attention to it and the degrading way he steps on the rest of us to try to put himself “on top.”

This blogger has reached out and asked people to promote his blog in numerous ways. Yet, he has failed to return the favor, even when blatantly asked to do so. (For the record, I have had no contact with the blogger and have asked nothing of him. This isn’t about me, personally, as a blogger.) His wife is a pediatrician. He was asked to spotlight breastfeeding babies with Down syndrome since it is rarely discussed and he’s in an awesome position to do so. He has failed to make good on this request, even though the individual asking him was happy to do what he asked of her.

He is self-serving and he is using his son to propel himself (and his blog) into the limelight in order to make a quick dollar and gain notoriety.

But Rick Smith isn’t new to the blogging world. Far from it. Someone recently brought this blog, Rick Smith, to my attention. If you look back, he’s been blogging since December of 2008. For over three years, he’s blogged. And now, he’s using the birth of his son (and his blog, Noah’s Dad) to promote himself. He failed at being a “big name blogger” as a man and as a speaker, so now he’s chasing notoriety as the father to a child with Down syndrome to boost himself!

He’s taken more than one concept from more than one blogger, re-worked it and posted it as his own. Not only did he not give credit where credit was due, but when the blogger who originally posted a link in the comments section to her original post, Rick removed the comment with the link!

It’s ironic that he states there were NO positive blogs or sources of information available on the Internet when he began his journey with Down syndrome, yet he was more than proficient in finding a number of great blogs and resources to spam with his own self-serving blog. As a matter of fact, he spammed BabyCenter so hardcore he was banned from the Down syndrome board on the site!

He cleans up any negative or questioning comments left on his blog or Facebook page. Can we say censorship?

Here’s the bare bones of the situation. This blogger has stepped on others to get where he is right now. He has spammed numerous blogs, websites and resources in an attempt to gain as much in-coming traffic as he possibly can. Yet, he fails to provide any information (much less links) to the numerous positive resources which have been pointed out to him. He is all about his own goals. His own blog. His own agenda.

I am going to sit back and watch, over time, as his traffic dies out. His proverbial shout becomes a whisper and people see him for what he is. A self-promoting individual who cares less about Down syndrome advocacy and the Down syndrome community than he does about Rick. Rick. Rick. Rick.

Gag.

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