Fear is a part of being a parent. For most of us, we begin our thoughts with “what if” as soon as we get a positive pregnancy test.
What if I miscarry? What if he/she isn’t healthy?
Then our child arrives and it only gets worse.
What if he/she isn’t eating enough? What if he/she is sleeping too much?
The older our children get, the more complex our thoughts become.
This is a natural part of parenting. Toss in the stories we hear in the media and the fear intensifies.
Children abducted. Children shot in school. Children abused and assaulted.
These things happen to children all the time. The statistics are frightening. That alone is enough to make me a neurotic mess! But there is more to it, for me.
March 2, 2013.
That is the date circling my mind. That is the date that makes my stomach twist.
On March 2, 2013; my youngest daughter will be two years, three months, two weeks and three days old.
The day they took Baby J out of my arms, she was two years, three months, two weeks and three days old.
It’s not the same. I know it’s not the same. But it is.
Ash and I were talking about Baby J awhile ago. She looked at Bug and tears filled her eyes. “I just can’t imagine.” she said.
How many times have you heard about a horrible situation and stated, “I just can’t imagine!” It’s the natural reaction we hear time and time again.
That’s my problem. I can.
I can imagine my child going missing.
I can imagine her drowning.
I can imagine an illness taking her life.
I can imagine someone stealing her right out of my arms.
I can imagine it because I was the mom people “couldn’t imagine” being and it affects how I parent Bug.
We do. not. take. our. eyes. off. our. child. in. public. Ever.
We trust her with very few people and we have never had anyone take her anywhere. She is watched at one of her two grandparents’ homes or our friends’. We drop her off and pick her up, safe knowing she isn’t going anywhere.
You know those child drop off spots at grocery stores and YMCAs? She’s never been to one.
Whenever we are in public, I think. I take in the surroundings, note the exits and take it all in. If I happen to use the facilities, I will note whether or not the bathroom locks from the inside.
I watch people come and go. I mean, I really watch them.
I do it to prepare.
If someone were to grab her, where could they go? If someone pulls a gun, where would we go? Where would we hide?
This makes sense to me, on a catastrophic level. I respect that horrible things occur out of our control. But on a day-to-day basis, I’m sure I sound insane.
I have seen the dark side of life. Thanks to Sandy Hook, we all have.
I have stood in a courtroom while a judge revoked my parental rights to my son. I stood completely alone while my parents, his father, his stepmother and various others hugged, celebrated and (literally) high fived my broken heart.
I have raised a child for over two years and watched as she was carried out of my home. I didn’t see her for another two years.
And here I am. Raising a little girl in a dark, scary world. But I don’t want her to view the world as a dark, scary place. I want her to be smart, but I want her to feel safe and secure.
So I let her down and give her freedom. I keep her in view as she explores and discovers the world around her.
I protect her, but I am careful not to over protect her.
I live with a slew of “what if” questions, but I also wonder “Can I?”
Can I put her on a bus and send her to school?
Can I send her to school at all?
When will she be old enough for me to be okay with her walking down the block on her own?
When will I be okay without my eyes on her?
How will I prevent my issues from becoming her issues?
These are my thoughts. These are my fears. Obviously, I have more questions than answers, but don’t we all?
We are all trying to do the best for our children. The hard part is knowing what the best IS.
What are your biggest parenting fears?
I hear you. Mine is a different situation, but also terrifying. My first husband was killed in a car accident. I know what it could mean when someone doesn't come home on time, or doesn't call. I often think about how I would handle it if my current husband was also in an accident. If I had to plan another funeral, this time with 2 young kids….
I have the same fears. I think we all do, as parents. We have an older daughter who we do let go places, go over to neighbors' houses, etc… the other day we couldn't find her and didn't know where she'd gone (she was hiding in a neighbor's yard, little brat) and my heart basically stopped beating until we found her again. I also was scared to death to put her on the school bus after Sandy Hook. It's gotten back to feelig normal again, but I think as parents, we just have to be hyper vigilant and aware because our hearts aren't in our own bodies, they're out there walking and talking and breathing in the world and if ANYTHING ever happened to them… I don't know how we would survive.
I get it.
i think that i fear the same things… after the shooting it put it in real that it could possibly happen again.. i don't like this feeling.. i used to be a lifeguard so i am not as worried about her drowning… i was terrified about taking her out in the world or letting her go to someone else's house even having someone else babysit her but in all honesty i have gotten to the point where she needs to be social.. i can not keep her here like a caged animal. School is an amazing thing for her she talks about all these friends she has and boyfriends (at 4) i wouldn't want her to miss this … i debated homeschooling since before i had her.. but now i know that it would have never worked.. i still have fears about someone coming to harm her.. i still have fears about the house burning down and not being able to save her.. these fears are fears any parent has.. but you can not let them control you …. you have to have a system in place so these fears are able to be set to rest. good luck hun
I handle them pretty well…usually! My wife keeps me grounded!
Hi CJ, I have been following your blog for a while but haven't left any comments before. After reading this post – I just had to. I have a 3-year-old and a 1-year old and this post summarized my daily fears and nightly terrors so very well. Unlike you I have not experienced such overwhelming grief and loss but I still lie awake at nights imagining a home invasion. Thinking – will I get to my toddler in time? I often sleep in the same room with my youngest, while his older brother sleeps in the next room. Is the cell phone on the same floor so I can call 911? What should I do if the intruder has a gun/knife? Both my children are in daycare while I work. During the day horrible thoughts about crazed gunmen walking into my kids' daycare overtake me sometimes. We talk to our oldest boy about stranger danger and safety but how do we make sure he understands without becoming scared of the world? Other than daycare, our kids are only watched by my parents in our home. When my Mom suggests they should take my 3-year-old out or have a sleepover at their house I say "sure we'll see" with no intentions of following through. And that is despite the fact they are excellent grandparents!
It's not going to be long before the boys will go to kindergarden, then school. School trips? Camp? Sleepover at friend's house? How can I allow them to experience life without smothering them in the process?
I guess this is a side effect of parenthood I just did not know existed, I was never one for hypothetical scenarios or baseless fears. But now it seems like they are omnipresent in my life.
Oh, I am so glad I am not alone…yet sorry you also go through this!!