Formerly titled, “Good Moms Lose Their Children Too.” I hate when my phone doesn’t know the difference between “Draft” and “Publish.”
On paper, I probably look like a horrible parent. I lost custody of my nine year old son and my two year old daughter-to-be was removed from my home, never to be adopted.
According to my brother, I’m a child abuser.
What kind of a mother loses her children short of being a drug user, prostitute, serial killer and child abuser/neglector?
Horrible parents. Parents who don’t deserve children. That’s who.
At the ruling regarding Bubba’s custody, the judge’s proclamation that I was “the best mother I have ever had in my courtroom” did little to soothe me. He still “took” my child.
Once I began to heal, I started to reframe my view of what kind of mother I was. During Em’s custody situation/divorce, I walked away with complete joint custody. The court deemed both her parents as completely fit. He literally separated her life down the middle.
It stumped me how one state felt I was not the “best possible parent” for a typical nine year old, yet another felt I was an exemplary parent to a three year old child with special needs.
And trust me, EH dragged every possible point, documentation and ruling he could from my son’s custody trial into the determination of Em’s custody. The judge considered it and found it unfounded in light of all the feedback and evidence against the contrary.
I was apprehensive to have another child, as much as I ached for one. My track record was less than stellar and I knew what people would say. I knew the opinions people would form. I could hear Cruella’s manipulative remarks in the back of my head.
After all, just because you can have more children doesn’t mean you should. But one fact remained. I was a good mom. I have always been a good mom. I have made mistakes. I have made poor choices. I have screwed up.
I allowed too much “help” where Bubba was concerned. I was young and failed to provide him with the stability of a single home, school and schedule.
I reacted to parenting situations with EH out of anger and resentment. I hid in the shadows of Baby J’s loss and “blamed” Em for situations and decisions she had nothing to do with. I kept her at arm’s length to protect my heart. I had to re-focus on Em and my relationship with her.
I had to let go of what could have been with Baby J. I had to accept her loss and move beyond it. I had to stop defining myself as a baby loss mom above and beyond any other self identity.
People may not agree with all of our parenting practices, but the sun rises and sets on my children. I know I have done something right because I have three children that I always love, usually like and respect immensely. I’m proud of the people they are becoming and I’m grateful I was able to build those early foundations of future awesomeness for them, even in the presence of my mistakes and misteps.
Yeah. As far as moms go, I’m far from perfect, but I’m pretty damn good.