Ash and I often ask one another where our daughter “came from”. She is beyond sassy, smart and has personality to spare. I seriously think there are a few kids walking around out there without a personality because she seemed to get three times the normal share.

This kid has spunk, there’s no doubt about it. She pushes her boundaries, she crosses the line and she gets her little hinder in some sticky situations.

She climbs onto table tops.

She gets into cabinets and drawers.

She dumps out anything she can get her hands on.

She grabs my glasses, pinches my lips and hits my chest.

She will throw something on the floor repeatedly until it pops open.

She’ll grab things off the table and throw them on the floor, only to look at you for your reaction.

To be blunt, she can be a little shit. But she’s learning. And in order to learn, one has to experience the natural consequences of their actions.

Here’s the thing, our daughter is nearly fifteen months old and she is doesn’t really understand what the word “no” means. I openly admit it’s our fault. But I don’t apologize for it.

When she climbs onto the tops of tables, we immediately remove her, ask her to keep her feet on the floor and distract her with another activity. On one occasion, she went to step off, into my arms and she scraped her leg on the edge of the table. When the tears subsided, I told her “If you keep your feet on the floor, you won’t fall off the table and get hurt.”

She avoided the table for the next few days.

When she gets into cabinets and drawers, we direct her to the “mom approved” areas she’s allowed to destroy and we explain there are certain areas that could hurt her.

When she dumps something out, I use my mom voice and make her help me pick it up. (You dumped that out and now we have to pick up the mess. You need to help me do that.) Then I’ll find an appropriate activity I know will hold her attention. Even at fifteen months, the joy of a dumped box of spaghetti loses its appeal when you know you can’t play in it and you have to pick it up.

When she grabs my glasses, I tell her those are “off limits”. When she pinches me or hits my chest, I put her hands in her lap and tell her “That hurts mommy. Please use nice hands.” If she does it again, I put her down or walk away from her.

When she throws something on the floor, I assist her in picking it up and distract her with a new activity. On occasion, she’ll walk back over, pick up the item and throw it on the floor. I quietly remove the item and ignore her behavior. When she realizes I won’t pay attention to her when she repeats the behavior, she’ll find something different (and more appropriate) to do.

But if you just tell her “no”. She’ll give you a blank stare. No? What does that mean? Where do you go after “no”?

Personally, I don’t think “no” teaches a toddler much of anything. I prefer to state the action, explain why she shouldn’t be doing it, state the obvious consequence and give her an alternative. Now and then (more often than I care to admit) I forget to “teach” and I simply tell her “no”.

And she stares at me. Blankly. And I stare back at her. Just as blankly.

And neither of us gains anything from the experience.

But today, today was huge.

We were sitting on the floor, reading a book. After the third reading, she got up and walked over to the pantry. She opened the door, stepped up onto the bottom shelf and dumped out an entire box of spaghetti.

Keep in mind, neither of us is feeling great. Therefore, I forgot to teach and I simply walked over to her and told her “no”. I picked her up and moved her away from the mess so I could clean it up.

My daughter, bless her heart, walked over to me, picked up two tiny handfuls of spaghetti noodles, walked over to the garbage, pulled it open and tossed the noddles out. She then walked into the family room and picked up a book, sat down and waited for me to join her.

While my daughter may be a little shit at times, she’s learning. She’s learning more than just “no”. She may get into things she shouldn’t, but she’s learning the consequence of those actions. She may push the boundaries we put in place for her, but she’s learning where those boundaries are and how they impact her decisions.

My daughter has a strong personality. She questions authority. She seeks out new experiences and repeats those she enjoys. I’m not about to kill those qualities in her by telling her “no”. Instead, I will help her fix her mistakes and learn the consequences of her actions.

I want her to push boundaries. I want her to question authority. I want her to think outside the box and challenge those who want her to be a certain way. I don’t want my daughter to simply “behave”, I want her to discover the difference between positive and negative consequences. I want her to know when to keep her feet on the ground and when it’s okay to take a chance.

When she’s faced with a “no”, I want her to question why. I want her to seek out alternative options.

After all…

Well-behaved women rarely make history.
-Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

Share this: