MommyOf2 left a comment on this post that I wanted to address. Typically, I respond to comments in the comments section, but I think this question deserves its own post! For every parent who steps up and asks a question, there are countless more who sit back and wonder about the same thing.
MommyOf2 said:
I have a question for you, one that I am addressing in my home and want to do it the correct way. I have a 10 year old daugther who has said, several times over the past month “Retard”.. I don’t like the word no more then I like the “Nigger” or “Stupid” and many others. When I was younger in the 80′s Stupid and Retard where often spoken as what I would call a “Smart Allic Remark”.. now that I am older.. I just don’t like it.. I hear many parents who have children with DS and I know that at one point throughout there lives they have spoke the word Retard and I understand that now they are living with a child that has a disability they advocate even harder..so with that being said, I would hate for a parent to say something to my child for saying this word or bashing me for whatever reason.. Because I would not be nice in my response as to just because they have seen the light doesn’t give them right to call someone else out.. because I am sure throughout there days of saying this word no one called them out.. What I am trying to get at is how can I approach this subject with my daughter but also make her realize that because there are children that are different doesn’t mean they are retarded. Help.
I am far from an expert on anything, but I am quite good at coming up with some suggestions for how to go about handling just about anything. Now, every child is different (whether they are considered “typical” or not). What will work or affect one, won’t even register with another. Hopefully, ONE of these suggestions will help you!
My understanding is you are looking for a way to help your daughter understand there are people with different abilities and this doesn’t mean they should be referred to as “retarded”. You’re looking for a way to educate her about the word “retard” so YOU are the one handling the situation and not someone who overhears her using the word.
Having a teenager in the house, I completely get where you’re coming from! However, unlike the situation with my son, you don’t have a sibling to point to and say, “Do you realize how much that word HURTS your brother or sister?”
I would handle it the same way I would handle any other undesirable word.
Your first step is a basic conversation about differences. Explain that some people have more challenges in life than others and we can’t always see what those challenges may be. Tell her about Down syndrome. Tell her about Cerebral Palsy. Tell her about diabetes. Tell her about Autism.
Use Google’s Image feature to pull up photos of people who have different diagnoses. Type in children with “Down syndrome” and children with “cerebral palsy” and children with diabetes and children with Autism. Type in children with glasses or children with freckles.
Discuss with her how those children are LIKE her and how they’re DIFFERENT than her.
Explain to her that some people need to use a wheelchair to get around. This is something you CAN see. Some people need extra help learning to do things. This is something you CAN’T see. You can never tell by looking at someone what their difference may be. Ask her what she thinks makes her different from everyone else.
Then, tell her certain people used to be called “retards”, but that word hurts peoples’ feelings and makes them feel uncomfortable. Obviously, you’re daughter is going to want to know WHY it’s a hurtful word. So, you educate her, but let her do the footwork! Here are some ideas for a child her age.
1.) Do a “web” report.
I’m sure your daughter is very familiar with book reports and computers. Sit her down and direct her to “The R-Word: Spread the Word to End the Word” website. Ask her to watch some of the videos presented there, read what other people have to say on the subject and ask her to consider taking the pledge to not use the word “retard”.
Ask her to give you a report, either written or orally, about what she learned on the site. Answer any questions she has (or help her find them) and have an open conversation with her about it.
2.) Find a substitution.
Have your daughter look up the word “retard” in the dictionary. Discuss with her what it means and why it may hurt someone’s feelings. Then, have her come up with a list of words she could use instead of using the word “retard.” Who knows, maybe one of the words she comes up with will become her school’s new word of choice (just make sure it’s not one that could offend in some other way!)
3.) Consider how words affect others.
When my son was young, he hated to be called a “dork”. To me, it was a harmless little word, but it really hurt his feelings. I didn’t find the word offensive and it never bothered ME to be referred to as a “dork”, but I stopped using the word because of how HE felt about it.
Ask your daughter if she can come up with similar words that may not hurt HER feelings, but may hurt someone else. (Freckle face, four-eyes, carrot top, etc.)
Your goal is to get her to understand that just because a word may not be hurtful to one person, doesn’t mean it isn’t hurtful to someone else. The word “retard” is one of those words. It may not hurt HER feelings, but it could very easily hurt someone else’s.
3.) Make it all about her!
Ask your daughter to recall a time when her feelings were hurt because of something someone said to her or about her. Ask her what they said, how it made her feel and what that person could have said to her instead.
Ask her to recall a time when she may have said something that hurt someone’s feelings. Ask her how it felt to know she had hurt someone (whether intentional or not) because of the word she chose to use.
4.) Team up together!
I have to admit, I have used the word “retard” in the past. As a child, the word “re-re” was often used in our family. One day, my son said the word “retard” and gave me that, “Uh oh!” look and apologized. I commended him for apologizing and explained that there was once a time when I used the word as well. He was more than a little surprised and we talked about how it was used in his school, by his friends, etc.
I know he feels hesitant to speak out when he hears other kids use the word (peer pressure!) but I told him he can take a stand without calling the other kids out. Simply use other words. By not using the word “retard” he’s setting an example by not saying a word (literally.)
Whether you use the word or not, tell your daughter you will pledge to not use the word if she does.
5.) Be creative.
Have your daughter come up with a story about someone who used the word “retard” and hurt someone’s feelings. Have her include what could be done to make the hurt person feel better and explain why the person who used the word shouldn’t do so.
Depending on what type of thing your daughter is into, have her write a story (complete with illustrations), write a play (and recruit some friends to have her act it out) or write a song/poem.
I hope something here sounds like something that would benefit your daughter!
It may also be helpful to check out free content for websites. I’d love to hear some suggestions from other parents in regards to this topic! Please feel free to leave your idea in the comments!
Disability is a matter of perception. If you can do just one thing well, you’re needed by someone.
-Martina Navratilova
- fourteen year old wonder child. Too smart for anyone's own good, including his own!
